Ralph by Ralph Lauren

I would be remiss not to capitalize on this unique moment where a resurgence of flared leggings (also know as yoga pants) in 2021 is happening on TikTok. It is my duty to reintroduce the scent that was paired with them back then and MUST be paired with them now. That perfume is none other than Ralph by Ralph Lauren.

The early 2000s bitch who wears this just spent her entire hard-earned paycheck shilling VHS tapes at her Blockbuster cashier job in a fugue state at the mall. Suddenly she smells what will be her final capitalist conquest this Saturday. It’s wafting from Nordstrom’s and has somehow managed to create a unique jet stream past the stinking doors of both Abercrombie AND Victoria’s Secret. It’s a new, fresh, sporty number perfect for a budding “cool girl” identity. When she finally tracks down the historic blue bottle and puts the juice to skin it’s a match. A match as sacred as tape one and tape two of her well-loved Titanic VHS box set. Tape two person for life, duh. A wave, not an iceberg, of satisfaction washes over her. The fragrance is secured and taken home and all acquisitions of the day are noted carefully on her Xanga account for those who will listen.

Notes include apple leaf, Italian mandarin and Japanese osmanthus; middle notes are yellow freesia, magnolia and boronia; base notes are musk and white iris. In real life you will smell like The Heart of the mo’fuckin Ocean—blue and slightly gaudy.