Strawberries and Champagne by Victoria’s Secret

It’s V-Day in 2004 and a secret admirer has slipped a Spongebob-themed Valentine into your locker. The note contains two simple sentences that still shake you to your earthly core: “Cheesecake Factory Tonight at 7 pm. I’ll be carrying a white rose.” You shit a brick and promptly send an SMS to every friend you have. This is more serious than recently procuring a G-string. It’s the most important moment of your life.

After school, you immediately go home and begin the ritual of becoming irresistible. You lay out each tool with precision on your vanity, and start consulting the stack of teen magazines you’ve been saving for this very occasion. You study them while blasting Ashanti’s entire discography on your 1st generation iPod Mini to feel something. Each dating column leaves you more confused than the last, so you decide to use them purely for outfit inspo. This requires the big guns, ie., the iconic July 2003 edition of Vanity Fair.

You land on a look reminiscent of Ashley Olsen’s empire waist cami dress over jeans. Although the magazines were 50/50 on being a complete slut vs. the understated cool girl, you know one thing’s for sure, you gotta smell like num-nums. There’s no better pairing than Strawberries and Champagne by Victoria’s Secret. You mist yourself liberally then finish the look with Candy Kisses lip balm in French Vanilla. Your mom drops you off in the parking lot as you slowly march towards the rest of your life, and Fried Macaroni and Cheese.

Notes include big strawberry, champagne, black currant, chamomile, and aloe vera. In real life you will smell like the entire dessert menu. Happy Valentine’s Day to all!